fail in public
2025 November 164 minutes to read
Way too often I catch myself thinking about how many things I didn’t do. It’s often followed by another thought: “If I could go back, I would definitely do it”. Well, guess what? Right at that very moment, when I have the ability to actually change things, I dwell on how I should’ve solved them back then.
Actually do something now? Pff… It’s much easier to blame my previous self for things he failed to do. Why take responsibility now, if I can simply put them on another person?
no need to try
It’s an interesting behavior that took me some time to notice. It’s pretty easy to spot when you start treating your past self as a different person. At first it seems counterintuitive but it actually makes perfect sense. They are not real. Like seriously, he’s just a mental snapshot, a story I tell myself about my past. He cannot change anything. But you know who actually can?
Sometimes I spend hours planning the perfect execution without ever starting. I’m so obsessed with the final result that I get stuck in a never-ending loop of research and refinement.
Most improvements come from failed attempts. But failing is scary. It spawns a mess of awful feelings. Good thing I can avoid all of that by simply not trying 🙂👍
the identity lie
I think I’ve figured out what’s happening. It boils down to fear of judgment. Why would one be afraid to fail, even if they know it will help them to improve? Because they are afraid of being judged, and losing face.
If I behave weirdly, people are going to remember that I am a weirdo, and then they will always treat me as a freak. It’s easier to believe that “they just would not understand” or “if I tried, I would succeed, I just don’t want to”, than to actually try and risk my carefully curated self-image shattering.
There is a fundamental rule which brain believes to be true and which causes the whole problem: If I fail - I’m a failure
And it makes sense. If people see me failing, what stops them from labeling me accordingly? Nobody wants to be a failure. Do you want to have a partner who’s a failure? Or maybe a friend, a worker? I’m simply afraid to be judged by other people and get rejected as a result. It’s a game of odds: the less I look like a failure, the higher the likelihood that people will accept me. This made sense when group acceptance meant survival. Nowadays this habit does more harm than good.
doing it anyway
This writeup was made as proof to myself that the fear will not stop me. This train of thought I just built, I have absolutely no idea if it’s even valid. I feel like it is, but there are a lot of points at which I struggle, or don’t feel confident.
Still, I’m posting it. I’m embracing the possibility of embarrassment, or what might be worse, a real chance of irrelevance.
I remember a few months ago I recorded a TikTok on a similar topic. Recently I checked it once again, and it was hard to watch. I looked awkward, word choice felt off, and my voice intonations were driving me nuts.
But you know what, it absolutely doesn’t matter. I was acting according to my values, and fear didn’t stop me. I’m actually more than glad that I posted it, because it was yet another small, compounding step towards the person I want to be - someone who shows up no matter what.