split me twice

Feel kinda empty today, maybe also sad. Don’t even know what to write about. I’m so impatient. I can feel the progress, but it is so uncomfortably slow.

Is it normal for the mood to change so quickly? What is the cause? Do other people feel the same way? Why doesn’t nobody talk about it then? Am I missing something? Why are thoughts so unstructured? Should I force myself to structure them? Why do I overthink everything I do? Why do I look for imperfections in already written text instead of keeping on writing? Is it ok to always be dissatisfied with the results? Why can’t life be simple? Is it me overcomplicating things? Why am I so afraid to say what I truly think? Why am I that way?

I don’t know. I want to be greater. I want people to like me. I want to be important. I’m afraid to die knowing that my life changed nothing and that in a several decades, information about my existence will be permanently gon. At least it seems like a good fear to have.

This diary feels wrong. Why do I write it for others and not myself? Quite often, I try to hide my emotions just so others won’t think how miserable I am. My writing tries to be so academic, even though I hate it when people behave in a sterile way. I want people to care about me, and yet I don’t give a fuck about them. I hate how many “I’s” are in my texts.

Wish I could just hug someone and forget myself.