2025-02-01 21:42 +0100 - 2 min read
Now it’s 20:16, Saturday. I’m sitting at my desk typing this text on my laptop. I should have done it earlier as I have to go to sleep soon.
I lack discipline. Often, the wrong thing is so much easier to do. By the end of the day, I’ve done nothing in particular. I was learning useless information (like which LLM that could be run on my laptop is gonna be the best) and watching YouTube videos.
It’s hard to think or concentrate. There are so many bad habits I have to rid myself of. My mind is a mess and shouldn’t be this way.
My lifestyle is getting really close to that of an average person, and it feels unnervingly wrong. There’s no deep mental work, each day is just a bunch of small, easy, unrelated things that together create a comfortable existence. It’s almost like sitting in a boat, passively drifting along with the current. Why would anyone choose this?
Life is weird. Why do we even exist? How do you know if there’s a reason to do something? Obviously, humanity has questioned this long before me. Every person has to find their own meaning to live, but how?
A popular opinion is that you should live for yourself. You only get one life, so you have to enjoy it while you can. This sounds reasonable but doesn’t quite “click” for me. My life just doesn’t seem important enough to invest all my effort into. Eventually, I’ll die, and it’ll be impossible to look back on how pleasant the life was.
Curiosity might be my strongest motivator. Emotions often give meaning to our actions, even though they have no meaning by themselves.
It’s always been kinda funny to reflect on these things, but I think there’s no point in reflecting on it for too long. We are indeed driven by emotions which are nothing more than the product of coincidence, but that’s just the way world is.