i am worse than you think

I feel bad, and as always, I write my diary only when I feel bad. I promised myself to write everyday. It didn’t last even a week. I promised not to use social media and other distractions. Nevertheless, the very next day I ignored that promise.

My life is bad. It seems like it isn’t, but I’m just lying to myself. How do you know if it is truly bad? You simply don’t like it.

What is wrong? I’m lonely. I’ve shelved a lot of things I promised to do: creating music, video editing, learning Zig, meeting new people, writing a post about keyboard. I got a job, and instead of being productive, I procrastinate most of the time. I’m lacking intimacy. I’m insecure. I believe I don’t deserve to be loved.

I met a girl yesterday. Sasha was cute at first, but then she became mean. Later, she explained that she was aggressive because of a girl in her group of friends. Sasha was sharing her emotions in the chat while that girl was telling the guy Sasha liked how ridiculous she was.

Although it seemed childish to me, I was kind to Sasha and tried to cheer her up. The dialogue was kind of awkward, but everything seemed to go fine.

Today she just deleted the chat. When I noticed that, I felt a huge spectrum of emotions which I struggle to describe. It was like I’m missing something. Where did I make a mistake? Ignoring the red flags? Being way too passive?

I definitely could have been warmer in the dialogue, but other than that I did nothing wrong. Why then do I feel so bad? Why do I always doubt my decisions? Why every time I try to make things better, everything just breaks apart?

How can I know what I’m doing wrong? I’m a pretty decent person on paper, but in reality I struggle connecting with people. Maybe everybody else is wrong? That could be legitimate but it changes nothing. I tried to be kind to everyone and not judge myself, but that didn’t help.

I’ve noticed a tendency: when I learn more about a person I like, I quickly become disappointed in them and thus in myself. After that, I just lose any motivation to stay in touch.

I had a tough time when I was about 14. I felt weak, miserable and abandoned, and there was no one to help me. After that, I learned that you can’t just wait for things to become better by themselves. You are the only person who is responsible for everything that happens to you, and you can’t rely on others to help you. Only you can change your life for the better.

That’s a powerful mindset which, as expected, helped me a lot. But now it feels like I’ve lost the momentum. No matter how much effort I put in, there are just no results. Every time I try to reconsider my strategies, I just can’t come up with something better.

It is so overwhelming. No matter what I try to do, it just comes to nothing. At this point I just feel helpless.

I just want to believe that this is just an unfortunate coincidence, that I just have to keep grinding and everything is going to be fine. But it’s insanely hard when hope is running out.